|undoing|

​In a 1954 interview, poet Robert Frost was asked, “What’s your definition of freedom?”

“It’s being easy in your harness,” he replied.

_______________

I’m not so easy in my harness these days, if I’m completely honest.

I look ahead at what’s to come, and I feel this fighting panic shoot straight up through me and it’s either start pummeling something or start running.

_______________

I don’t know how to do what’s being asked of me.

Flat out, absolute confessed truth:

I don’t know how to do what I’m going to have to do for 8 months of my life.

8 months isn’t all that long, I know, but I’m the sort of person who sees the consequences ripple and knowing that what happens will affect life from this point forward —

that’s why I keep feeling my legs push against the floor of my heart.

_______________

When I don’t know what to do, I typically do one of two things: learn how to do it from folks who are knowledgeable or just refuse to do it.

I’m trying to learn. Trying to prepare. Trying to wrap my head around the reshaping of my life that’s going to happen.

That fighting panic keeps shooting straight up through me.

I’ve wanted to run away more times than I can begin to enumerate.

My sleep is filled with dreams I remember in slivers and shards. Not one of them ends happily. Most make my jaw hurt when I wake up to the light around the windows.

I am not easy in my harness.

Abba tells me that I must learn to be.

And I keep singing that song that undoes, and He keeps saying, “Yes, I’ll take your world apart just as you pray, Must Be Loved, because I’m not done with you yet. We’ve got a lot of road to cover on this long way Home, sweet child, and I’m not done undoing you for a good long while yet. So learn, Beloved. Learn what I’ve been trying to learn you all this time.”

_______________

He told me back in December, when I turned 35, that I must decrease and He must increase. That’s what this year is for, He said. I refused Him then. I’ve refused Him since then.

Good Lord, it’s been more than a year in these six months we’ve lived so far.

Lord, help me.

He wants to make me easy in my harness, because I’m too stubborn and self-willed and tied up in myself to believe Him when He says He knows what He’s doing and that I really don’t need all the things I say I need to be whatever it is I say I am.

I need Him.

Just Him.

And He’ll pour into me a thousand ways each day. He’s put a heap of people in my life–a grace-filled, mercy-centered, love-driven heap of people round about me, and I just have to pay attention. I have to welcome His love, their love, our fellowship in the Spirit, and I have to.

I have to.

_______________

“What’s your definition of freedom?” the interviewer asked.

“It’s being easy in your harness,” he replied.

Lord, help me in my unbelief.

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